I wished to have God erase me every day of my life from my early teens until a breakthrough in therapy in my late 30s. I never thought there was anything concerning about that because if you DIDN’T always wish to be in heaven with Jesus, my spiritual leaders and friends thought there was something wrong with your faith. Thank you for speaking up about this tragic aspect of Christian culture.
😭😩 that is just heartbreaking Sherise. I’m so very sorry. And I’m so glad my reflections here helped you feel a bit seen. A therapist changed my life too, so I understand this. Peace to you.
I’ve wished for many parts of my life to be blotted out. When asked, “if you were to live your life over again, what would you change?” … Where do I start?
I’ve never heard anyone else say that hyperfixating on Jesus coming again is a sign that the person no longer wants to be here. It’s validating and comforting to see that written out, so I know I’m not crazy! I was and still am deeply affected by someone close to me obsessing over the rapture since I was a child. Children are perceptive, and I was no different. I knew they didn’t want to be here anymore. 💔
Goodness, I’m so sorry. And I completely agree, children are very perceptive; it sounds like you knew more than you wanted to and more than you had the maturity to interpret at a young age. Thank you for your comments. 🙏🏼❤️
A couple months back, a man giving a talk at my church asked who wanted to go to Heaven. Everyone raised their hand. "Okay," he said. "But who all wants to go right now?" I was one of the very few who raised my hand again, the only one in my age group. After the service, this man came and told me how very impressed he was. I smiled and took it as a compliment. I thought it was a positive outlook; why hadn't everyone else done the same?
Turns out, it just meant I wanted to die.
I remember when I was younger and people would say "I want to go to Heaven, but I want to live my life first." And I would whole-heartedly agree with them. Lately, I haven't been able to understand that sentiment at all. So I assume it just means I have a better idea of what Heaven is. I'm seeing things more realistically.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know what you're saying. I feel it. As a Christian, copping out has never even been an option. It's so easy to minimize anything I'm feeling because even if I fantasize about dying a natural death, I don't have suicidal tendencies. (I can't.) I don't meet the criteria of "despair." (It's not right.)
I'm sorry for taking up so much comment space. Thank you so much for this. It means more to me than you know. Even just reading the other comments makes me feel more seen than I have in a long time.
Myra, goodness, girl, your words have landed in a tender and familiar place in my heart. I’m so glad you shared this story with me. In spirit, I am holding both your hands in mine and looking you in the eye. Your wish to dip out of life right now makes complete sense after everything that’s happened. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it. You’re not crazy and you’re not weak. You don’t lack faith. You are the Beloved of God. Keep going, dear. You are not alone. I promise you this.
Beautiful writing (and Bridge to Terabithia absolutely wrecked me as a child, too). This brought up so many memories of when I felt like I was suffocating. I would actually have dreams where I was drowning or choking and would wake up gasping. I never had suicidal ideation, but the thought of death as an "escape" was there in the back of my mind. And (I'm ashamed to even admit it) not just for me, but for my then husband. My heart hurts for your friend... Thank you for not laughing. Thank you for seeing her. Praying she receives the strength to see herself soon.
See also: the book of Jonah. The metaphorical death of being swallowed by a giant underwater being is so powerful that it's almost not a metaphor, it's almost literally just a dead guy telling you what it's like to be dead. The word used for the depths is "tehom," the primeval ocean, the dark waters of the time before creation. God puts Jonah in that liminal space until he surrenders, and then the fish pukes him out. Like, "Oh, you want to be dead, huh? I'll make you dead all right, and it's going to be messy and embarrassing and uncomfortable, and then you're just going to have to be born again anyway and there won't be anything glorious about it because THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER, get it?"
Full disclosure: I approach this text as a Jew, so the idea that yearning for death is a good thing is alien to me. But the yearning itself is, I think, universal.
I agree, Stephen. I like your comparison with and your angle on Jonah, a story I know well, though as an evangelical I was taught it was absolutely not metaphor or parable, but historical event. I appreciate the mysticism and storytelling in Judaism so damn much. I also love how god sometimes gives us the “answers” we think we want simply to show us it’s never saving us from ourselves.
Thank you for sharing this. The great travesty of popular Christian thought is that you have to hide your grief, discontentment, depression and hurt because you are supposed to live victoriously. That is the great lie, that we can will ourselves to be happy or content.
It is crucial to be able to rely on Christ but even Job and David cried out to God in their suffering. They didn’t shy away from it or wrap it in a pretty bow. It was raw and ugly and God eventually met them where they were.
Thanks for your thoughts, Maribel. I agree with your comment on the pressure to present as always happy and content. We aren't given many tools to process the grief of life in a healthy and embodied way.
Thank you for this. This is the first time I have seen written, what I have felt and it helps to know that I’m not alone. I’ve felt like it’s due to a lack of faith and it’s so hard to talk about with other Christians because they don’t know what to say. I keep praying for healing but if I’m not to be healed then the strength to bear this cross.
Andrea, I hear that your suffering is deep and unrelenting. I'm so thankful my words resonated with you. I'm praying you find moments of experiencing your deep worth and belovedness despite the pain.
The cloud is finally lifting. I have been taking courses from traumahealingaccelerated.com and it’s made a huge difference for me. I’m so grateful God directed me towards Dr. Aimie Apigan.
Before Benedict came along and fixed what wasn't broken in the first place, there was a phrase in the embolism that I loved. "As we wait in joyful anticipation for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ." Joyful anticipation. Now that was news to me. I'd heard tons about the Second Coming and the dreaded End Times when I was growing up but nobody every once suggested they might be joyful. Like waiting for Christmas, only better. But I think it should be that way and I think we have everything we need to live through the uncertainty with joy.
It seems to me the problem is that humans tend to live in linear time, not God's time, which is inside and outside of time all at once. It IS scary out there. But what's gotten me to the point where I can begin to be joyful is every minute of my life, good and difficult is that we still get to live in the present moment, one moment at a time. As Br. David Steindl-Rast says, you can't be grateful for everything, but you can find opportunity in every difficulty and be grateful for that.
If this is the end times (I prefer the term, Great Transition), if we can't understand or make sense of it, if every single thing we think we know is uncertain, and if nothing in our understanding or history or experience appears likely to offer a solution to everything going to shit all at once, then we are . . . powerless, and that is the start of everything. It doesn't have to mean walking into the ocean with rocks in the hem of your wedding dress (yep - I wanted to do that once a long time ago) it can mean pausing, looking (noticing, feeling) then going (offering what you find up to Someone or Something greater than yourself). I will have to do this over and over again, many times each day, but gradually, it will become second nature, and I will have learned how to breathe underwater.
“I built my house by the sea. Not on the sands, mind you; not on the shifting sand. And I built it of rock. A strong house by a strong sea. And we got well acquainted, the sea and I. Good neighbors. Not that we spoke much. We met in silences. Respectful, keeping our distance, but looking our thoughts across the fence of sand. Always, the fence of sand our barrier, always, the sand between. And then one day, -and I still don’t know how it happened - the sea came. Without warning. Without welcome, even Not sudden and swift, but a shifting across the sand like wine, less like the flow of water than the flow of blood. Slow, but coming. Slow, but flowing like an open wound. And I thought of flight and I thought of drowning and I thought of death. And while I thought the sea crept higher, till it reached my door. And I knew, then, there was neither flight, nor death, nor drowning. That when the sea comes calling, you stop being neighbors, Well acquainted, friendly-at-a-distance neighbors, And you give your house for a coral castle, And you learn to breathe underwater.” — Breathing Under Water (Sr. Carol Bialock, RSCJ)
First time I heard this truth expressed. I'm in such pain and hopelessness, I want to die but I'm not suicidal. What is so disconcerting is, I really have no way out. My entire life I've been the unsinkable Molly Brown. Knew from a young age I was God's. Experienced miracles. Felt the Spirit in me. Had a better than average family, so I thought. I married young, he left after 7 years when I was pregnant. Had a precious boy, was praised by mom and dad. I was a bank Mgr, Had friends, never realized the trauma. Raised him with much love and input from mom, dad, brother. Married number two when he was almost 3. A Panamanian who had never been married, but many lovers. Same as first, but completely different background and personality. I was raised that as long as I did my part, everything would be golden. They were called the greatest generation but they were the silent generation as well. We moved for his government job multiple times, I got a masters in clinical psych. Much more, but I'm already being too long and inappropriate for an answer. Had number 2 boy, my parents and bro hated 2 husband, so he wasn't as accepted. But still loved strongly. He left, I couldn't afford to stay in Omaha, moved back to COS. No grieving. I had been diagnosed with MS and mostly ignored it, which worked. Well, docs got involved, so through different surgeries, I got worse. Had my own house, Habitat, lots of friends, met third husband. It was great, for five years until we left to go help with aging parents. So much more, bad surgery, haven't walked since 2015. Son in Florida car accident, lost leg. Both boys, first with three sons, can't be bothered to keep regular contact. Parents deceased, brother is rich so has nothing to do with me. I lost my paid for car with mobility equipment in Helene. Sold house in NM last year, it was paid for. Living isolated in another box apt, that is beyond depressing. Zero friends. Haven't driven in months. Can't even shower without help. Zero family. Husband stays, tries to "help" but our relationship is broken. He needs surgery and works at a minimum wage job. As a veteran, army brat grew up all over Europe. But covid and moving in 2020 broke us. Have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Churches are clique centers wherever we go. Toxic positivity. Masks. We're all commodities now. I've volunteered for years, people have always told me their secrets, I was safe. But now we're in a strange place, alabama, and everyone is busy, busy and only has time for their circle or family. I do want out, but I would never harm myself.
Thank you for this excellent piece. We are all in this together. I haven’t found the right words for it before reading this, but I appreciated it so much tonight because this is the reason I wrote my book — to say to readers “it’s ok to hurt and not have answers. And there is still hope.”
Very beautiful my friend. I am with you for sure. We are all just walking each other home. A faith that waits for Jesus to come back isn’t faith at all. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things unseen. Christ is in our midst now. He is alive and living and with us more intimately than any human being ever can possibly be. Always has been always will be and is now. I would encourage people to reach out wrestle with God cry aloud to the one who loves you and created you. Therapy is good and probably practical but until you have a relationship with Christ life the void will always be there.
I wished to have God erase me every day of my life from my early teens until a breakthrough in therapy in my late 30s. I never thought there was anything concerning about that because if you DIDN’T always wish to be in heaven with Jesus, my spiritual leaders and friends thought there was something wrong with your faith. Thank you for speaking up about this tragic aspect of Christian culture.
😭😩 that is just heartbreaking Sherise. I’m so very sorry. And I’m so glad my reflections here helped you feel a bit seen. A therapist changed my life too, so I understand this. Peace to you.
I’ve wished for many parts of my life to be blotted out. When asked, “if you were to live your life over again, what would you change?” … Where do I start?
I’ve never heard anyone else say that hyperfixating on Jesus coming again is a sign that the person no longer wants to be here. It’s validating and comforting to see that written out, so I know I’m not crazy! I was and still am deeply affected by someone close to me obsessing over the rapture since I was a child. Children are perceptive, and I was no different. I knew they didn’t want to be here anymore. 💔
Goodness, I’m so sorry. And I completely agree, children are very perceptive; it sounds like you knew more than you wanted to and more than you had the maturity to interpret at a young age. Thank you for your comments. 🙏🏼❤️
A couple months back, a man giving a talk at my church asked who wanted to go to Heaven. Everyone raised their hand. "Okay," he said. "But who all wants to go right now?" I was one of the very few who raised my hand again, the only one in my age group. After the service, this man came and told me how very impressed he was. I smiled and took it as a compliment. I thought it was a positive outlook; why hadn't everyone else done the same?
Turns out, it just meant I wanted to die.
I remember when I was younger and people would say "I want to go to Heaven, but I want to live my life first." And I would whole-heartedly agree with them. Lately, I haven't been able to understand that sentiment at all. So I assume it just means I have a better idea of what Heaven is. I'm seeing things more realistically.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I know what you're saying. I feel it. As a Christian, copping out has never even been an option. It's so easy to minimize anything I'm feeling because even if I fantasize about dying a natural death, I don't have suicidal tendencies. (I can't.) I don't meet the criteria of "despair." (It's not right.)
I'm sorry for taking up so much comment space. Thank you so much for this. It means more to me than you know. Even just reading the other comments makes me feel more seen than I have in a long time.
Myra, goodness, girl, your words have landed in a tender and familiar place in my heart. I’m so glad you shared this story with me. In spirit, I am holding both your hands in mine and looking you in the eye. Your wish to dip out of life right now makes complete sense after everything that’s happened. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it. You’re not crazy and you’re not weak. You don’t lack faith. You are the Beloved of God. Keep going, dear. You are not alone. I promise you this.
thank you so much❤
Beautiful writing (and Bridge to Terabithia absolutely wrecked me as a child, too). This brought up so many memories of when I felt like I was suffocating. I would actually have dreams where I was drowning or choking and would wake up gasping. I never had suicidal ideation, but the thought of death as an "escape" was there in the back of my mind. And (I'm ashamed to even admit it) not just for me, but for my then husband. My heart hurts for your friend... Thank you for not laughing. Thank you for seeing her. Praying she receives the strength to see herself soon.
Thank you for your kind and vulnerable comment Camilla. I’m so glad my words resonated for you, and yes, that book! It shaped me.
See also: the book of Jonah. The metaphorical death of being swallowed by a giant underwater being is so powerful that it's almost not a metaphor, it's almost literally just a dead guy telling you what it's like to be dead. The word used for the depths is "tehom," the primeval ocean, the dark waters of the time before creation. God puts Jonah in that liminal space until he surrenders, and then the fish pukes him out. Like, "Oh, you want to be dead, huh? I'll make you dead all right, and it's going to be messy and embarrassing and uncomfortable, and then you're just going to have to be born again anyway and there won't be anything glorious about it because THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER, get it?"
Full disclosure: I approach this text as a Jew, so the idea that yearning for death is a good thing is alien to me. But the yearning itself is, I think, universal.
I agree, Stephen. I like your comparison with and your angle on Jonah, a story I know well, though as an evangelical I was taught it was absolutely not metaphor or parable, but historical event. I appreciate the mysticism and storytelling in Judaism so damn much. I also love how god sometimes gives us the “answers” we think we want simply to show us it’s never saving us from ourselves.
Wow, I am no longer a Christian, but your words are true. Thank you.
Not suicidal, but very tired.
Thank you for your thoughts, Dixie. Yes, life can be simply exhausting. Peace to you.
Thank you for sharing this. The great travesty of popular Christian thought is that you have to hide your grief, discontentment, depression and hurt because you are supposed to live victoriously. That is the great lie, that we can will ourselves to be happy or content.
It is crucial to be able to rely on Christ but even Job and David cried out to God in their suffering. They didn’t shy away from it or wrap it in a pretty bow. It was raw and ugly and God eventually met them where they were.
Thanks for your thoughts, Maribel. I agree with your comment on the pressure to present as always happy and content. We aren't given many tools to process the grief of life in a healthy and embodied way.
This is so beautifully written. Thank you.
I’m so glad it resonated for you. 🫶🏼
Thank you for this. This is the first time I have seen written, what I have felt and it helps to know that I’m not alone. I’ve felt like it’s due to a lack of faith and it’s so hard to talk about with other Christians because they don’t know what to say. I keep praying for healing but if I’m not to be healed then the strength to bear this cross.
Andrea, I hear that your suffering is deep and unrelenting. I'm so thankful my words resonated with you. I'm praying you find moments of experiencing your deep worth and belovedness despite the pain.
The cloud is finally lifting. I have been taking courses from traumahealingaccelerated.com and it’s made a huge difference for me. I’m so grateful God directed me towards Dr. Aimie Apigan.
Thank you for this. I was praying this morning for something to lift me up. My husband is sick and I am having a hard time with this fact.
I’m sorry your husband is ill. May you both find peace and grace in this hard season. ❤️
Before Benedict came along and fixed what wasn't broken in the first place, there was a phrase in the embolism that I loved. "As we wait in joyful anticipation for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ." Joyful anticipation. Now that was news to me. I'd heard tons about the Second Coming and the dreaded End Times when I was growing up but nobody every once suggested they might be joyful. Like waiting for Christmas, only better. But I think it should be that way and I think we have everything we need to live through the uncertainty with joy.
It seems to me the problem is that humans tend to live in linear time, not God's time, which is inside and outside of time all at once. It IS scary out there. But what's gotten me to the point where I can begin to be joyful is every minute of my life, good and difficult is that we still get to live in the present moment, one moment at a time. As Br. David Steindl-Rast says, you can't be grateful for everything, but you can find opportunity in every difficulty and be grateful for that.
If this is the end times (I prefer the term, Great Transition), if we can't understand or make sense of it, if every single thing we think we know is uncertain, and if nothing in our understanding or history or experience appears likely to offer a solution to everything going to shit all at once, then we are . . . powerless, and that is the start of everything. It doesn't have to mean walking into the ocean with rocks in the hem of your wedding dress (yep - I wanted to do that once a long time ago) it can mean pausing, looking (noticing, feeling) then going (offering what you find up to Someone or Something greater than yourself). I will have to do this over and over again, many times each day, but gradually, it will become second nature, and I will have learned how to breathe underwater.
“I built my house by the sea. Not on the sands, mind you; not on the shifting sand. And I built it of rock. A strong house by a strong sea. And we got well acquainted, the sea and I. Good neighbors. Not that we spoke much. We met in silences. Respectful, keeping our distance, but looking our thoughts across the fence of sand. Always, the fence of sand our barrier, always, the sand between. And then one day, -and I still don’t know how it happened - the sea came. Without warning. Without welcome, even Not sudden and swift, but a shifting across the sand like wine, less like the flow of water than the flow of blood. Slow, but coming. Slow, but flowing like an open wound. And I thought of flight and I thought of drowning and I thought of death. And while I thought the sea crept higher, till it reached my door. And I knew, then, there was neither flight, nor death, nor drowning. That when the sea comes calling, you stop being neighbors, Well acquainted, friendly-at-a-distance neighbors, And you give your house for a coral castle, And you learn to breathe underwater.” — Breathing Under Water (Sr. Carol Bialock, RSCJ)
What a beautiful excerpt. Thank you for sharing it and your thoughts here!
First time I heard this truth expressed. I'm in such pain and hopelessness, I want to die but I'm not suicidal. What is so disconcerting is, I really have no way out. My entire life I've been the unsinkable Molly Brown. Knew from a young age I was God's. Experienced miracles. Felt the Spirit in me. Had a better than average family, so I thought. I married young, he left after 7 years when I was pregnant. Had a precious boy, was praised by mom and dad. I was a bank Mgr, Had friends, never realized the trauma. Raised him with much love and input from mom, dad, brother. Married number two when he was almost 3. A Panamanian who had never been married, but many lovers. Same as first, but completely different background and personality. I was raised that as long as I did my part, everything would be golden. They were called the greatest generation but they were the silent generation as well. We moved for his government job multiple times, I got a masters in clinical psych. Much more, but I'm already being too long and inappropriate for an answer. Had number 2 boy, my parents and bro hated 2 husband, so he wasn't as accepted. But still loved strongly. He left, I couldn't afford to stay in Omaha, moved back to COS. No grieving. I had been diagnosed with MS and mostly ignored it, which worked. Well, docs got involved, so through different surgeries, I got worse. Had my own house, Habitat, lots of friends, met third husband. It was great, for five years until we left to go help with aging parents. So much more, bad surgery, haven't walked since 2015. Son in Florida car accident, lost leg. Both boys, first with three sons, can't be bothered to keep regular contact. Parents deceased, brother is rich so has nothing to do with me. I lost my paid for car with mobility equipment in Helene. Sold house in NM last year, it was paid for. Living isolated in another box apt, that is beyond depressing. Zero friends. Haven't driven in months. Can't even shower without help. Zero family. Husband stays, tries to "help" but our relationship is broken. He needs surgery and works at a minimum wage job. As a veteran, army brat grew up all over Europe. But covid and moving in 2020 broke us. Have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Churches are clique centers wherever we go. Toxic positivity. Masks. We're all commodities now. I've volunteered for years, people have always told me their secrets, I was safe. But now we're in a strange place, alabama, and everyone is busy, busy and only has time for their circle or family. I do want out, but I would never harm myself.
Jane, I hope you're finding small ways to connect with and experience your unshakable belovedness. This is my prayer for you.
Thank you for this excellent piece. We are all in this together. I haven’t found the right words for it before reading this, but I appreciated it so much tonight because this is the reason I wrote my book — to say to readers “it’s ok to hurt and not have answers. And there is still hope.”
Thanks for your comments, Lindsey. Sounds like your message is super important. I’m glad you wrote it!
You are the Beloved. We are the Beloved 🙏❤️
Very beautiful my friend. I am with you for sure. We are all just walking each other home. A faith that waits for Jesus to come back isn’t faith at all. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things unseen. Christ is in our midst now. He is alive and living and with us more intimately than any human being ever can possibly be. Always has been always will be and is now. I would encourage people to reach out wrestle with God cry aloud to the one who loves you and created you. Therapy is good and probably practical but until you have a relationship with Christ life the void will always be there.
Thank you for being here and sharing your thoughts.
This so beautifully and tenderly written. Words … for my head and heart. Thank you.
I’m so glad it resonated with you. 🙏🏼❤️