How to know you're suffering well

After a high number of rodeos

I’ve put writing off for a few weeks. The force of circumstances just kept holding its hand over my mouth. I wake every morning with the vague feeling my body has been telling the truth in my sleep, pouring all the tension into the two small hinges of my jaw. I’m a bit glitchy, like a screen that can’t quite keep its light on, flickering at humans who are doing their best – or maybe they aren’t – but who are nonetheless behaving in such a way that I see a waving, red flag above their heads. It’s like they’re standing in front of a flashing exit sign, while one pulsing and terrible horn sounding in the back of my brain tells me I should evacuate the premises.

I want to say, “It’s not them, it’s me,” since my story makes me glitchy in certain environments: certain churches, interactions with my ex, hospitals. But the fact is some people are unwell, reactive, or violent. Some people are just living their lives, not knowing how their actions are harmful. And then others are sincerely trying, but also angry or confused at how to hold their own personal chaos.

It’s hard because you never know what’s coming, one week to the next. If I knew what was going to come our way this past week, I could have prepared speeches, kept us all indoors, and turned up the music. I could have managed and minimized the hurt. I carry loads of disappointment I’m not that powerful.

It’s a life-long work to reckon with the ways we are powerless, how we keep having to open our hands and surrender what we can’t control. This week, in the midst of circumstances I cannot share specifically, I realized surrendering to What Is suddenly illuminates every step you took to get to that point. It’s where a track record of what we’d call character really matters; it’s where what you’ve planted in the past means everything when the rain starts falling.

We reap what we sow; it is a universal law that no one and no circumstance can subvert. But it’s hard to see those seeds underground once we’ve buried them; it’s easy to lose hope they have any life in them at all, whether we are trying to sow health into ourselves, our kids, or into our relationship with God. When the rain starts falling, when the challenges start pounding on your roof and collecting at your doorstep, you take a look at what you’ve got to work with.

In my current chaos, I’m feeling perseverance break ground, and a wild-type strain of confidence; I’m finding I know what to do with grief and rejection, slander and being misunderstood. There are green shoots of resilience, tender curls of faith – real faith in a God who I believe knows what he’s doing. It’s so surprising to discover all the past work and surviving mattered. The whole time I was metabolizing trauma, seeds of tenacity were being dropped in neat rows, one by one by one.

This has taken years, and it’s not a finished work. But the thousand tiny investments I made during seasons of survival -- the vulnerable talks with friends, the therapy, the awkward confrontations, the countless hours reading and learning, the yoga classes, the half-filled-in Bible study workbooks, the prayers on the bathroom floor, the nights spent weeping, the songs looped on repeat, the testimonies told, and the silence I sat in when nothing else worked – none of it was wasted. None. Under the compassionate care of a God whose economy includes blessing us despite and within our chaos, my suffering and my continuing did something.

It planted good, useful, tools like grit and resolve, and when the rain starts falling next time — maybe next week — I’ll have what I need to get through.

Keep going, my friend.

You are the beloved.

We are not alone,

Leslie

---

make this

Weekend Fancy Toast

On the weekends, I love a fancy breakfast, but I do not love spending a long time or a lot of money to get to it. It needs to be beautiful, delicious, and fast. Here’s my non-recipe for a breakfast that checks all those boxes. It is a fancy toast with an array of toppings and that requires a knife and fork.

For feeding others, the best life-hack would be to simply toast some excellent bread and then put the rest out for people to DIY themselves a plate.

One more thing. You can give me side-eye, but the capers are the best part. Try to befriend them.

ingredients

Good, thickly sliced sourdough bread, levain, or rustic loaf (this foundation is key, so don’t skimp)

Avocado, lightly mashed (or goat cheese, or even cream cheese and switch to bagels!)

1 lemon

½ red onion, sliced into very thin half-rounds

Fresh dill or parsley

Cherry tomatoes, quartered

Pepitas

Capers

Fried eggs (or smoked salmon or crispy bacon OR ALL THREE)   

Salt & pepper (or Tajin, or garlic salt, or lemon pepper)   

Step 1: Quick-pickle the onions. Slice the red onion into very thin half moons and place them in a mason jar or bowl with the juice of the lemon, 1 T water, and 2 tsp salt. Stir, or put a lid on the jar and shake, and let sit on the counter while you prep everything else. Did you know pickling the onions cuts their pungency way down? You could also pickle them using red wine vinegar if you didn’t have a lemon, but I prefer the flavor using lemon.

Step 2: Toast the bread slices in the toaster or under the broiler with a bit of olive oil. Then coat with the mashed avocado, goat cheese, or cream cheese.

Step 3: Add your toppings until nothing else can be reasonably heaped onto that slice of bread. My ideal Fancy Toast would include avocado, pickled onions, capers, dill, a fried egg, and generous Tajin (a Mexican lime-flavored salt/chili mix). Unless, of course, I was in the mood for cream cheese, smoked salmon, picked onions, capers, dill, and lemon pepper. BOTH ARE PERFECT.

Bonus: the pickled onions can be stored in the fridge in the jar of brine for about a week. Use them on all sandwiches and salads, and your life will be happier.

---

stay tuned for this.

May is our family’s birthday season, so I thought it would be fun this month to share with my paid subscribers all my tips and tricks for celebrating loved ones with intention (and often on a very small budget).

If you need fresh ideas on how to create and host a meaningful, but very doable, celebration for a friend or loved one, be sure you are signed up for my paid version (it’s only $5!) and look for the email later this month.

I’ve pulled off some fantastic parties in my time, between kids’ birthdays, 4th of July potlucks, Thanksgiving feasts, and fancy Valentine dinners, and everything in between. I’ve also overdone it. I’ve made myself and others pay the price of going overboard, but over time, I’ve learned how to honor myself, know my limits, and still make someone feel valued on a special occasion.

What I’m saying is I have years of inspiration as well as mistakes you can learn from. Stay tuned. (You can subscribe or upgrade with this button.)

---

I hope this issue is finding you well, this weekend. And if you’re in a hard season where all is not well, that’s okay too. The Lord is near, and in no way do I mean to bypass the hardest things with a pithy religious saying. If you’ve been reading for a while, then you know: I believe he is actually, literally near. He sees. He cares. You are never forgotten or invisible. Quite the opposite.

You’re his favorite.

Peace.

*note the teeny like, comment, and share icons below if you feel like responding.